Driving into the park in Pinetop for out picnic I noticed right away that it was rather crowded. We wanted the children to be able to play without interfering with those nearby. So I chose a table near the outside away from most of the people gathered at tables. I immediately could feel the stares from a family not far away. I tried my best to ignore them. After we had eaten our lunch and the children were playing a young girl from their table came over and was playing with out daughter. She was a very sweet, polite girl and was fascinated with our little girl’s curly black hair. I began to feel more comfortable, like hey, these people aren’t so bad. Their daughter is so sweet and polite they can’t be that bad.

It was not long before the mother came over and told her daughter to leave us alone. I assured her that she was not bothering us, to which she replied in a quiet voice, I am sorry, but my husband and brother-in-law do not want her over here with you. They are not comfortable with colored folk." "Colored folk, where have you been for the past thirty years!" was all I could yell in a shaky voice. She looked shocked and ashamed and quickly left with her daughter. Fortunately my husband did not hear any of this. He had taken out son to the bathroom. I felt so angry and shocked I hardly knew what to do. I could not believe what she had said to me and what I said to her shocked me as well. I felt badly because I just knew she was ignorantly going along with her husband’s wishes. I wanted to pick my daughter up and run away. I wanted to go over there and slap them all. I could hear the men say loud enough for me to hear, "What a shame a nice looking white girl would ruin her whole life over a nigger." Without thinking I grabbed my daughter and put her in the car. When my husband came back I told him we had to leave. He knew by reaction that something had happened, but I would not tell him what had taken place. I was afraid of what he would do. On the drive back to the cabin I found out that my husband Chris had been listening to them most of the time we were there. They had been making comments the entire time we were at the park. He said he just had to laugh because he knew none of what they said was true and he was surprised at how ignorant they seemed. He also wanted to see my reaction and said, "Rachel, you know this is something you just have to get used to and learn to deal with the best you can." This made me angry, but I knew he was right.

I can handle it when people don’t understand my interracial relationship and it does not bother me when people stare, but when it comes to my children I never want them to feel as if they are less valued simply because they are of mixed race. I never want them to feel as if they can’t go anywhere, do anything, and be whoever and what ever they want. I want them to feel privileged as I did as a child because my parents were married and I had a large loving family. I want them to realize how lucky they are to have black father and a white mother who think the world of them and have educated them on the differences in their society and their family.

I knew there would be trouble from the moment I saw them come into the park. Bob, my husband and his brother, Dave had been drinking all day. They always act very brave and obnoxious after a few drinks. Then, they begin to say things I knew they didn’t mean. I tried my best to ignore them and their racist comments. I did not approve of inter-racial couples either, but they seemed like a very nice family. Most of all I did not want there to be any trouble in front of Samantha. My views and opinions have changed a great deal since I have gotten older and had children of my own, but I am still very uncomfortable around colored people.

At first Bob and Dave ignored them and did not say anything. I thought maybe we could have a nice day in the park without any trouble from the two drunks. That all changed as soon as Samantha left the area and was over playing on the swings. She had asked if she could go play with the little boy and the little girl, but I told her I did not want her to bother them. Dave was commenting on how sick he was of seeing niggers drive around in fancy cars they earned by selling drugs to little kids. I knew that most drug dealers were black, but somehow I did not think this guy was a drug dealer. At first they talked quietly, but then Bob became brave and was trying to be macho in front of Dave. He talked louder and louder about how worthless and lazy all blacks were and how all they know how to do is sell drugs and make rap music. I was feeling very uncomfortable, because I knew this family could hear them. I was afraid of blacks too, but I would never talk like that loud enough to be heard. I also knew Bob wouldn’t either if Dave was not there cheering him on trying to impress each other with their stupid comments. They finally shut up and started to talk about going hunting.

Moments later I noticed that Samantha was no longer playing on the swings. I knew right away where she had gone. I looked over and there she was playing with the little girl. I prayed that Bob would not notice. The mother of the little girl was playing with them too. She seemed very nice, but I just did not understand why she would be with a black man and have children with him. Although, I had to admit the children were very attractive and seemed to be very well loved and taken care of. Just then Dave said, "Oh no, Sam is over there playing with those colored kids!" Bob yelled at me to go over there and get her away from them. "What kind of mother let’s her only daughter play with colored kids!" I said, "I am sorry, I told her not to go over there." I ran over and told the mother, "I am sorry, but my husband and my brother-in-law do not want her over here with you. They are not comfortable with colored folk." The mother looked shocked and yelled at me for being ignorant!

Ignorant, is that what I am? I felt so horrible about what had happened. I wanted to crawl up in a hole and die. The mother appeared to be extremely offended and hurt by what I had said and done. Bob and Dave did not help things by making horrible comments about her. I was terrified about what her husband would do when he found out what had happened. Fortunately, when he did come back with their son he didn’t do anything. He just drove by and said something to us with a smile on his face. Surprisingly, he did not appear angry. Worst of all Samantha was very upset and could not understand why she could not play with that little girl. I did not know what to tell her. I did not want to raise her the way I had been raised. In my heart I knew we had to change and Samantha was a good place to start.

The fact that I had just started my menstrual cycle was a big deal that day. That always makes me feel irritated, depressed, and uncomfortable. Another big factor was that Chris and I had gotten into an argument (probably because I was on my menstrual cycle) about one of the same things we always seem to argue about. This caused there to be tension between us. I don’t deal well with situations when things between Chris and I are not right. While I am in Pinetop I always feel a little out of place and uneasy. This is not my home, I don’t know anyone here and no one knows my family or me. It is a small town so I assume they are not OK with interracial relationships. This is something that is always in the back of my mind when we are out and about there. I guess deep down I was expecting something to go wrong, almost waiting for something bad to happen and it did. Did I will it to happen? No, I don’t have that much power, but that is why this incident has weighed so heavily on my mind, and why I have only gone back to that park one time since then. Every time my husband asks if I want to go I say no for one reason or another. Maybe this is the real reason I no longer feel welcome at my parents cabin in the mountains.

In this particular situation I was in a borderlands. I was in a town that is not my home, a town that is new to my family and me. It is a small town with a primarily "white" population except for the Native American population whose reservation is on the border of Pinetop. They mainly stay in and around the reservation. I have a preconceived idea of what the people who live there are like. I assume that they are racist hicks who do not like blacks or anyone who is different then they are. Because of my own stereotype of the people who live there I go there expecting something to go wrong. I perceive things differently when I am out of my own element.

When out of the Phoenix area my sensors are working over time. I assume that if someone looks at my family or me they are doing so because we are different and they do not approve. Maybe they were looking at us because they think we are attractive, maybe my fly is down, or maybe they just looked for no reason.

I was not in a good mood that day. This was not something I had initially remembered when I wrote my story. I did not want to be there I wanted to go home, but I was trying to enjoy myself and what should have been a relaxing time. All the while I had a bad feeling in my gut. I did not will this to happen or cause it to happen, but I was the one who reacted to what had happened and still remember it almost a year later. There have been other uncomfortable situations that have occurred during my 8-year relationship with Chris, but none stick in my mind like this one does. One reason is because this was the most blatant and obvious situation and it involved my children. The other reason is just my own perception and expectation of the situation. What happened was exactly what I had expected from the people who live up there. It confirmed all my previous expectations of that town and its people.

I think that in a similar situation here in Phoenix if I were in a better mood I probably would have handled the situation much more calmly. I might not have heard their comments, but I was halfway listening for them, expecting them. Here at home I would have gone about my business and not given it a second thought. It would not have kept me from going back to that place. This is my home and no one can make me feel unwanted in my own home, no matter what they say or do. But Pinetop was not my home and that is why this situation has stayed with me.

Now hopefully I can move past this and let it go. Maybe I can talk Chris into going up there sometime soon and when we go I will try to put my feelings of discomfort and racial bias aside.

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