Coming to America at the age of eleven seemed to be the coolest opportunity I can think of. Starting school immediately after the arrival was nerve wracking, but I expected to try to fit in with all the kids. I thought I achieved my goal of befriending my classmates; I had no idea how wrong I truly was.

On a cool Friday school day, a day just like all the other school days, I had a rude awakening. During a regular physical education class, our class had to split up in two groups for a game of baseball. I was a horrible baseball player; I couldn’t hit the ball if my life depended on it. As a result I expected to be picked last. Preparing myself to be picked last, I got really uncomfortable and embarrassed. I had no idea that being chosen last would be least of my worries. When it came my time to be picked for one of the teams, the young man who was the captain called me out. The good news, I was picked second to the last; the bad news, the young man did not use my name which I know he knew, but he called me "the Russian girl." Nobody else paid attention to his remark, but I was absolutely outraged and hurt. After all those times trying to fit in and be accepted, it was all in vain I thought. I realized I would always be to everyone that "Russian girl." The captain did not call me that to be rude or mean, but it was his way of relating and recognizing me. I was not angry or bitter, but from that day I knew I was different from everybody else.

As the days followed after the incident, I grew more and more peculiar towards my classmates. I thought that despite their being my friends, in the back of their minds I would always be that "Russian girl" to all of them. I became really paranoid and distant from all of my American friends because I thought they would not treat me on the equal level as they somebody who was like them. It took me a long time to accept the fact that people will always see me as a Russian girl, but that is not something to be ashamed or embarrassed about. I came to the realization that people don’t care if I am Russian or not as long as I treat people right. I learned that being Russian is not a minus but a big plus. Being from a different country doesn’t make me some kind of an outcast, but it makes me different in a special and unique way.

I came a long way from an insecure little girl standing in the middle of the baseball field with my head down in shame and self-deprecation for being born in Russia. To this day I still occasionally feel guilty for feeling embarrassed, but then I have to remind myself that that was then and this is now and I am a totally different person.

In retrospect I believe that the captain did me a huge favor because it made me appreciate where I came from so I would have a clearer view to where I am heading.

Couple years back at a class reunion I met up with the captain. I felt the need to confront him about the incident for a final closure. The captain had a pretty different version of the incident.

I remember somewhat clearly the day the incident that Tanya just can’t seem to forget took place. I remember the incident happened in seventh grade during a physical education class. The teacher told the class to pick two teams to play baseball. I began picking out the kids that I thought were pretty good players. I knew that Tanya did not play the ball well, so I was not going to pick her first. When it came time to pick the last five people I called out Tanya using the term the "Russian girl."

I did not think much about calling her the Russian girl" because that’s where she was from. I talked to Tanya on many occasions during class and on recesses, so we were pretty cool with each other. In fact I was secretly in love with her. She sometimes helped me with the class work and visa versa.

I never meant to intentionally insult and offend her by calling her that name. It seemed to me that it was a pretty harmless remark, which meant no insult. I was used to calling my friends and my acquaintances by nicknames, so I did not think much about calling Tanya the "Russian girl."

I was only twelve years old when that happened, therefore I was probably wasn’t thinking much how my words and actions might upset somebody. I was used to just saying stuff at the top of my head and just going with the flow of the consequences.

I never imagined that by calling Tanya that name I would make her mad and even offend her. In addition, she never said anything to me about the incident and how it made her feel. After I called her the name she acted as if nothing wrong had happened. Women? I wish she had told me that I insulted her and maybe I would have apologized, instead of waiting for years to confront me. I think she has been just dwelling on that issue for too long. She needs to get over herself and get a life. I did.

It is difficult for me to acknowledge that I once was ashamed of my origin. I used every excuse to justify my behavior.

I wanted to be exactly just like all the girls in my class. I wanted to dress

like them, talk good English like them and act like them. I always felt as if I was saying the wrong thing around them or dressing the wrong way. I didn’t want to be me because I felt like an outsider invading their territory.

I had crooked teeth when I was that age, and one of the rich girls had braces, so I always thought that if I could only have braces my life would be so perfect. I got braces in high school and my life even now is far, far from perfect.

Every time I was on the playground I saw the parked cars out the school. My family didn’t have a car until I recently began driving, so I cried and prayed many nights to have a car because once again I thought having a car would make my life perfect. Once I got a car my life did not become perfect, it is again far, far from perfect.

After looking back at the whole incident I decided to go to a psychologist to analyze the whole situation and to find out the feelings I might have suppressed because of the hurt and fear of getting hurt. As a result I came to see Dr. Tatiana Kailua, psychologist of the human mind.

Tanya has described to me the incident in full details and I came to several conclusions. The first thing I want to point out is the one thing that I don’t think even Tanya realized yet. While blaming the captain for his behavior she didn’t think about the abstract and less clear reasons that he called her "The Russian girl." Russia and the United States have always had a very volatile and difficult time together.

It goes back all the way to the Cold War and World War II. American people have witnesses the despair and the challenges that Russia has experienced in the past. It is not unusual to watch TV and see Russia and Russian people in turmoil and despair. I am sure that maybe consciously or unconsciously the captain had picked up on the ongoing turbulence of Russian people and used that to communicate what he had seen on the television. Of course when you are that young it is hard to analyze that kind of situation objectively.

In return, it was no surprise the way Tanya reacted to his labeling of her. Besides getting agitated not only for being labeled, Tanya may have had other reasons besides anger to deal with. On some level she was a little ashamed of her country since to her knowledge it was considered one of the poorest countries. By being little embarrassed by her country, she placed the embarrassment on herself there by becoming embarrassed for herself. The labeling of "The Russian girl" became a synonym with "that poor little nobody" in her eyes.

Subconsciously Tanya had made his labeling of her into a huge issue of who she is. She must have thought that if the captain sees her as this little Russian girl then everybody else must feel the same way about her. Her paranoia altered her moods and her thoughts about her self worth as a human being. The captain may have unintentionally placed his prejudices on Tanya, allowing Tanya to take his words to a dark place in her heart where only self deprecation and misery lay.

It is very hard to accept that kind of analysis, but by accepting the way she felt that day and the true reasons behind it would be a major step in the direction of healing.

After writing down the whole incident in details, instead of thinking what I should have done during that situation, I concentrated on what I should do with the information now. I decided I would learn a lesson for the future instead of tormenting my self with what I should have done in the past. I learned that I am a very sensitive person. Who knows maybe some other person would never even pay attention if they were called that. But feeling too much I consider being a gift and privilege for I can experience human emotions to the fullest. I learned that I have to watch how I relate to people and judge them on their interpersonal relations instead of appearances and other exterior factors that mean nothing. At this moment I feel at peace with my self and my past. It feels like a load has been taken off of me. I think personally the major point of this ethnography for me was that our pasts don’t have to hold us back from developing as individuals; our pasts are our teachers for tomorrow is a new day.

Return to SBS 301 F 2000 PME home page